Yet another JS2222 lecture which I thoroughly enjoyed. Finally we’ve touched on the issue of social recluse in Japan, or hikikomori, something which I’m quite fascinated with. I’ve always thought that these social recluses are somewhat like those zhai nan, as termed in Taiwan. As we all know already, these people are obsessed with electronic games, manga and anime and spend most of their time in front of their computer, in their room, engaging in these activities. But in Japan, the zhai nan phenomenon is really the worst out of all the developed countries, I think. These hardcore social recluses can actually stay in their rooms for 2,3, even 4 years and usually what prompted them to retreat into the safety haven of their rooms is some kind of social stigma, making them sick and tired of society, or afraid of communication with people.

We watched this Australian documentary about this social problem in Japan, where this guy went to visit some hikikomoris’ houses. All of their parents are very afraid of letting others know that their child is actually a social recluse, and so they don’t ever try to get outside intervention in the form of psychiatrists because it is generally thought that such cases are domestic affairs and should be settled by the families themselves.

But I don’t actually see the parents actually doing any darn thing to help their children get over this problem. All the houses they visited in the documentary, the parents just let their hikikomori children stay in their rooms. One mother actually let the rubbish outside her son’s room pile up for two and a half years. And she has not seen her son’s face for all this time, since he takes all his meals inside (mother just puts them outside, knocks on the door, say some useless-nothings and leaves) his room. The only time he leaves his room is to go to the bathroom and that’s only to pee or do his business, since he only bathes himself once every 6 months. Talk about extreme.

The weirdest thing is that these Japanese parents, they just let their children do whatever they want. While letting them stay within the comfort of their rooms, they just provide them with food and finances, so they can buy whatever they want through the internet (for eg playstation games). They keep silent about it and continue living through life doing nothing to even attempt to help their children. Some excuses cited were their children would throw tantrums if they went into their rooms, or their children didn’t want to speak to them etc. I suppose the Japanese have a really different culture as compared to us.

Well if it was me who had a child like that, I would bloody break down the door, go in, grab him by the shoulders, shake him real hard till his ears ring or something, and then talk to him face to face, instead of standing outside the door, asking him calmly what he wants for dinner, only to have him say ‘I don’t know, go away.’ To leave such a person alone for 4 years and letting him do what he wishes? That really seems rather weird to me. Perhaps if they had tried to talk to him the first few weeks when it happened, the problem wouldn’t have been prolonged for a few years. Well, but no one can say for sure what they would do if they really have such a family member. Can they bring themselves to face the problem head on? Or just go with the flow and be all passive about it, letting the problem fester and persist.

Actually the ‘correct’ way of helping these social recluses is to communicate with them, accept them, don’t blame anyone for such a thing and slowly lead them to socialise normally with the family, before they could actually get over their social stigma and step into society once again.

And an interesting question asked by the guy is what is it about Japan which make people withdraw socially to such an extreme? In other countries, there might not even be such a large number of hikikomori. At most, when we fail, we may retreat to a corner and cry our hearts out before recovering when our tears finall dried. To retreat socially for a few years without stepping out of the room other than to use the bathroom, that's really rather extreme. Apparently, one of the possible reasons can be found in history, when samurai warriors retreat into privacy and hone their skills till they become better, before coming out into society again.

There's a lot more which one can say on this issue and this topid would probably be one of my Japan Log entries. The korean zainichi issue is another one I would like to write about. All in all, this module is really interesting and I'm so glad I've taken it. Sometimes I find myself thinking during the lectures that life would be a lot easier for me if I were to have entered FASS and majored in something like Japanese Studies (let's not talk about the job prospects in this area first lol) for the architecture course is really no. joke. at. all. It's not only about the aesthetics. For every particular part, there needs to be a reason. And this is only a small part which we have to consider. When I see little kids who are still of the school uniform wearing age, I kind of envy them for they are still living in bliss, tackling subjects which are a lot easier than what I'm doing now. I wouldn't mind if I can go back to JC or secondary school again since it's a lot less challenging.

Enough of dreaming, time to get it on with thinking of my folly design.

It had been a long time since I’ve felt anything close to sympathy and concern for someone whom I do not know. But on Saturday night on the way to service, I saw something which really left a huge impression on me. What caught my attention was this old lady using Hakka to ask an old man to hurry up through the mrt barricade. When she said ‘giaddit’, immediately I took notice of them for I don’t hear that many people in Singapore speak Hakka. And the old man was in front of me, so I had no choice but to wait while he slowly taps his card to the card reader and then make his way through. His movements already suggested to me that he had dementia, or Alzheimer’s. But still I thought that it’s rather common to see such old people around, especially in an ageing population like that in this country. So I didn’t really give it much thought and I walked away. But then I was still slightly curious as to what happened to the old man after that. Did he get another verbal lashing from his wife, who seemed to be rather hassled that she has to bring her old husband around in public? Or did the wife pull him by the hand and quickly led him away from the crowd? Anyway, I turned back to see and what met my eyes was something which I couldn’t forget, even now.

The old man had the saddest expression possible on a human being which I’ve ever seen. I don’t know but coupled with the fact that he’s already an old man, and that he’s a Hakka (I already feel closer to this old couple since we share the same cultural heritage), my heart just went out to him. His expression seemed to have an intermix of extreme sadness, despair, sense of lost and confusion. It made my heart clench painfully. And that’s saying a lot since I don’t usually give out my sympathy left and right like apples to people I don’t know. Even now, that particular expression still left a deep impact upon my emotions. Over the years, I may forget his face, I may forget what he looked like, but I will never forget the deep impression his despair left on me.

Perhaps the smallest thing such as trying to get through the mrt barricade which seemed so easy and no brainers to us can be something so challenging to the elderly, especially those with natural old age mental illnesses. Perhaps the old man has been encountering difficulties in his daily life which none of us would ever imagine. Perhaps we ourselves might think that we would never become like that when we get old, full of despair and confusion about life, but then that still remains a possibility for nothing in the future is fixed.

I feel that I’ve been whining about small, pathetic things which the old man never even had the opportunity to whine about. I’ve been cursing my ill-born circumstances without knowing how childish I am for my eyes were blinded to the fact that there were people with even worse circumstances than me. Of course I’ve always known that there are even more pitiful people than me whenever I whine and complain but somehow that fact didn’t realistically take hold until it comes before me directly and forces me to stare the harsh fact of life in the face and reexamine myself.

I’ve forgotten how powerful prayers could be. But I know that prayers must have some kind of power for there seem to be an awful lot of people who are constantly touting its effectiveness. But anyway, if I were to pray for that old couple, my prayer would most probably go like this.

To the dear Holy one, I know that you, more than me, know about the pains and hardships of this world and I also know that you, more than me, feel their pain and despair a million times more acute than what I feel. But still, I would like to ask for your mercy towards the old couple whom I can’t seem to forget. I’m not ever going to meet them ever again, but still I ask that their needs be satisfied. I ask that in their old age, their children would be filial to them and not let them feel the heartache that comes from their uncaring attitudes. I ask that they be less jaded about the world, and instead find joy and laughter in more things around them. Lastly, I ask that you’ll always be with them, protecting them, and guiding them.  

It seems to have been a long time since I even wrote anything about God. This time I’m once again writing, for the sake of helping myself reinforce the important lessons I’ve learnt from the Romans exposition. Of course, I’m not going to summarise everything which Pastor Khong said, only those which I think are important to us as a Christian, and which have struck me with quite an impact. And I do think that I sound like some kind of pious, devout, Hallelujah and Amen spouting freak in the rest of this post, so please refrain from reading further if you know you’ll be turned off or offended by these.

God is a righteous God. We always hear people say this. Yea we know that God is righteous, but what has that got to do with us? Well, other than being the perfect exemplary role model for us to follow and try to take after, it also helps explain why on earth did He seem so crazily psychotically angry in the Old Testament (OT). It’s because God is such a righteous God, He’s too righteous to condone all the wrongdoings which humans had done out of their sinful nature, and so He can’t let all these just pass away without expressing His wrath. Because of His extreme high standards on morality, that’s why He could not condone the sins which we’ve done. But then He knows that we are not entirely to be blamed, for “[We] know not what we’re doing”, that’s why instead of taking out His wrath on us, He sent His only one and begotten Son Jesus Christ to come be the innocent scapegoat to die for us, the true sinners. Each stroke of pain which Jesus Christ has endured has really been for us after all, since this has already been planned long before we came into existence. And it also eliminates the Nostic theory that Judah had betrayed Jesus at his instruction, that’s why Judah is not to be blamed. But since God is an all-knowing God who can see far into the future, He must have known about Judah’s betrayal, and so had planned for Jesus Christ’s arrival on earth and suffrage there.

And I would like to stress upon the point that even though all this talk about sins might make it seem as though it’s rather stressful and daunting to be a Christian (because it seems that the main goal of this religion is to force people to feel guilty about what they did by labeling them as ‘sinners’ and then telling them that what they’re doing is not right etc), it should be the opposite. Because of the fact that we know that sins (even simple things like taking out our anger on others, gossiping etc) are not right in the eyes of the righteous God, because of the fact that we know since God loves us so dearly, He would be greatly saddened by us committing sins consciously, and so that’s reason enough for us to not do things unpleasing to Him. Instead of being limited in what we can’t do and being like a caged obedient child under strict and cruel parents, we would find joy knowing that despite not doing what the world is doing, despite limiting ourselves to certain ‘rights’, we are better off than the rest of the world since we can find joy and peace knowing that we are doing according to what God views as pleasing. And if we truly realise the extent of His love for us, we would take heart in knowing that what we do are according to what He said is right. We’re not being mindless people who are stupidly obedient, we are just people who’ve discovered the wonders of knowing Him and walking along with Him and making the choice to follow Him despite the fact that it means not walking with the world.

And here is something which I really liked. We already know that difficult trials exists to ‘test’ our faith in Him. We might even welcome these trials since we know that after the trials come the calm and out faith in Him would be reaffirmed. However there is actually a deeper meaning to that. With afflictions (suffering, problems) come perseverance (since we are fighters) and with perseverance comes character (since we’ll emerge from a hard fight polished and strong) and with character comes hope. Character is something which no one can rob from you and hope is something which can sustain a person from the inside, pushing him on even when his outside is falling apart. For hope in an eternal loving God gives us far greater strength than we can ever imagine.

About grace. Many people think that because of God’s grace, it’s okay to keep sinning because God will still forgive us in the end. But it’s the exact opposite. God gives us grace because He wants us to stop sinning. Grace is so that our old selves can die and that a new lease of life is given to us in Jesus Christ and not sin. It is so that we can be reborn not as slaves to sin anymore, but as slaves to righteousness. Knowing God’s grace and not abusing it. Knowing that He has no qualms in giving us His grace so that we can be reborn as our new selves, this makes us reluctant to abuse the grace which He has given us. Unless we are so heartless and God’s importance in our lives is near zero, we wouldn’t so easily treat such precious grace lightly.

(This is where I picked it up. The front were all written days ago and I haven't really gotten around to continuing it. And now I'm supposed to be doing my work since less than 11 hours later there'll be individual crit and I am far from finished, lol.)

And lastly, this is something which is unique to protestant Christians, in that we believe that God does not judge us according to the amount of good work we’ve done. Personally I don’t think the saying that ‘what comes around comes around’ is true to a large extent. Perhaps it’s me myself who doesn’t want to believe that it’s true, because if it’s really, really true, then this world would be so unfair. Not because those people who had only done good things all their lives sometimes die in freak accidents, or natural disasters. This is an example of the world being outright unfair. But what I truly despise is the belief that kindness begets kindness, that if you do good things all your life, you’ll have good stuff happening to you too. Now I suppose this is what some people call ‘karma’. And I truly dislike this belief in karma. Because there is a certain loophole within it, because a person with ill intentions can use it to his advantage, because there is a possibility of a person with no real heart for others except himself and yet is kind to others, is willing to help others, all for the sake of getting some back in return. Perhaps you can argue that such a person doesn’t exist, that if a person is able to help others and be kind to others, he shouldn’t be that bad of a person, there must be some true good-willed intentions within himself which caused him to be kind to others. Well, but then it’s also true that there are all sorts of people in this world and I do not believe that all are truly angelic from the inside. There are definitely hypocrites around who think that they can get away with doing the things they do just because they have done lots of good things beforehand already. That’s why Protestantism seems logical to me because I believe that it’s the heart which matters the most. What a person truly thinks and feels is definitely a more authentic yardstick to measure our characters, much more than what he does outwardly. Take me for an example. Sometimes I find myself cursing at others even if outwardly, I don’t seem to be that pissed. I may even smile at a person, pretend to be concerned and even help him out but think bad incriminating thoughts about him. Can I still be included within the group of people who are going to get good returns because my karma points have increased? My knowledge about this belief system is very limited, but I sincerely hope that that’s not all to it, because if it really is, then that means there must be some really naïve people around who likes to take the easy way out in life.

And also, it’s important to remember that once we’ve known God, we become utterly incapable just by ourselves. I used to wonder why is it that some people who have never known God can do so well in their lives. Then I thought that perhaps it doesn’t apply to people who have already known God but yet chose to exclude Him out of their lives. That’s why even when they know God, they fared even poorer than those who don’t know Him, no excuse there since it’s their own fault. For myself, I’ve learnt the hard way that it’s really not worth it to stray away from Him no matter how faithful you were in the past. In the end, it all comes back to you, the feelings of hopelessness and perhaps guilt. Only then could we realise that we really need God by our sides, otherwise we are truly incapable. For we’ve already known His greatness and acknowledged Him before. To reject Him and turn Him away, that’s… sad, for lack of a better word.

Attending my first drum lesson again after more than three years and just thinking about it makes me ecstatic. =)

Three archi students. One stoning, one sleeping and the other one hanging himself. LOL.

Turns out that I didn’t take Japanese 1 after all. After some thought, I realised that the two tutorial slots in each week for this module, rather than the usual one, would really be hectic. And then I remembered that we have to do the ‘hard’ thing should we want to challenge ourselves. Taking this module won’t help me learn anything, except that I probably can get some conversational Japanese practice. But that’d just it, a bit of a waste, since I can put that time to some other good use.

And so I’ve decided to take this breadth module, JS2222 which is about the modern Japanese society and its social institutions, like the family, the community, and the state. It only cost me 1 point to get it, since there’re only 37 pathetic people who opted for this module this sem.

But that’s not what I really want to say. The real purpose of this post is just to say that… I’ve to blog for 20% of this module’s assessment?!?!?!?!?!?!

When I saw that we have to blog, I actually laughed to myself, due to the 1) sheer surprise (blogging to get marks?!) and the 2) excitement of blogging about something I'm interested in for schoolwork. How good can it get? And furthermore, tutorial group discussion (30%) requires us to role-play. Lol, to put up a skit. Ah, reminds me of the time during JC when there’s dramafest and all the lit classes have to stage a play. (I acted as the grocer which had only 5 or 6 lines at that time, haha) But apparently they won’t take acting skills into account, more on the decisions we made which led to the scenes which we decided to portray, whether the situations are played out accurately and not according to some dumb white stereotypes etc. So it means that if we just say our lines out monotonously, with less than zero expressions or even worse, exaggerated and wrong ones, it’s acceptable, lol.

And there’s going to be movie/documentaries review! Which means that we probably get to watch some movie during lectures. Great way to pass the time.

Well, the first lecture is tomorrow and all have yet to pass so by the end of this sem, I might change from like to hate for this module. But right now, it seems pretty good. 

Three trips to the Peranakan museum, or maybe four, if I still want to go on saturday, for our design module, Peranakan assignment. Compared to last sem, this time round the stress seems to be coming from not knowing how to start, what to do etc rather than having too much work to do. Oh well, time to squeeze those brain juices already.

Lastly, I'm glad that I'm allowing myself to integrate into the Christian lifestyle again. Hopefully, I'll stay true this time. 
 

Perhaps many people go through life without knowing what are they working so hard for, and what exactly lies in wait for them after completion of all the goals they’ve marked out for themselves. They may go along with what the general society thinks, a full education, an enviable job and perhaps a picture-perfect family. Perhaps they may even accept the beliefs of the majority and taken them in as their own, thinking that these are their own ideals of the way of life and that these values just coincidently fit into what the general public wants as well.

We may bring in some external aspects into our lives, things which are outside of work, and name them hobbies, interests, even passions. We use these as a shield for our otherwise mundane lifestyles. Perhaps they are a way of giving ourselves our unique identities, to separate us from the millions of other individuals, to give us a pretentious cover which without it, we would be colourless, reduced to mere facelss beings that simply walked on the earth’s surface each day, along with the rest of the seemingly identical beings.

We get comforted from associating ourselves with like-minded people. We desperately join organisations, whether a recognised, established one or a informal gathering, in an attempt to surround ourselves with people. We create online personas in the vast cyberworld, perhaps as an attempt to ground the reality of our existence into every possible openings we could find. We yearn to be connected with people, in a vast network, so that our existences would not be able to escape from the eyes from others, from history even. We always look for companionship, sometimes going out of our way to make our outward personas even more interesting in order to keep the attention. Is it to keep the creeping loneliness at bay, add some colours into our otherwise dull lives, or to keep some sense of sanity within. Would we severely go off-track and lose sight of ourselves should we not keep up with what everyone else is doing?  Is it because besides the ideals in life which we’ve set ourselves, there is still a further need to get acceptance from the people around, in an effort to find some meaning in our existence, in an attempt to live through each day with our minds preoccupied with something else other than our bare, powerless selves.

Among so many people, so much so that should we mere civilians disappear some day just like that, not even a ripple in the vast pool of water could be made since at the end of the day, we are impactless. We hold not vast powers in our hands to make the world revolve around us, for us. We go along with the flow of time, with the whims of the majority and in a weak attempt to at least let us be remembered, let the memories of our existences occupy that least of the hearts of others, we do whatever we can to make ourselves as noticeable as possible. One would be lying if he said that he cares not for others to remember him, for others to view his existence as at least something important, something that lasts that few moments in their lives. We seem to be living just to seek that moment, no matter how short it is as compared to the vast future ahead, where we justify the meaning of our lives through our deeds and the memories of us in others. Perhaps at the end of the day, finding out the meaning in our existences and purpose in our living is not that important as compared to having justified it using the superficial things we’ve done which have gotten the approval of others. When that happens, would we still be living for our own sake, so that we could be happy knowing that we’ve lived a full, satisfactory life, or have we become enslaved to living the life we think would be glorious, which would be deemed fulfilling, going by the standards of others?

Who is it then, who tells us who exactly are we, and what exactly are we living for? Do we continue with our lives, day by day, without attempting to know for the possibility remains that the answer might frighten or even trouble us? Do we take the easy route out by setting some safe goals in life, without attempting to find out how the rough, untrodden patch beyond the clean slate could be touched down upon, and developed to create a new self we wouldn't otherwise have known about? Could we attempt to reach deep within our hearts and find for ourselves our own definition of the meaning towards life, amidst all the torrents of loud, disturbing and unnecessary waste noises? Could we begin to live, not just for the mere sake of living, but for a clear goal we want in life? Perhaps an island anchored safely onto the seabed could be found after years of drifting about in the vast seas aimlessly, even when we have already deluded ourselves into thinking that we are indeed living, but from under the guise of some pathetically chosen self-satisfying 'motivations'. To tell the real from the fake, to know what we truly want, to still stand firm in our choices in our old age, knowing for certain throughout our lives that whatever we've been doing, have been right after all.

This certainty, this sense of security in knowing our true selves, our innermost desires and ultimate reason for living, many might dream of getting it, but few can actually acquire it. It could be a person's lifelong quest, it could be treated as some childish fantasy. But for me, at least I know that it's important enough not to treat it flippantly, that some level of seriousness is needed to address it. And I think that recently... I might have gotten onto the right track to finding it.

Suddenly I was left feeling rather bewildered. Especially with all the research that I’ve to do regarding which module to choose for the upcoming new semester, since we have to choose at least one gem, one ss or one breadth module to hit the min requirement for this semester. Sounds very boring and difficult to figure out in the beginning but after a while I realised that it’s actually quite easy once you’ve gotten the hang of it.

Anyway, I’ve decided to choose Japanese 1, for obvious reasons. And since I don’t think anyone from my school except my old friend ah pok and someone else reads my blog, I shall boldly confess that I’m going to bid for that module precisely because I already know some Japanese. Yes, call me a cheater or whatever for intending to blend into the lecture and tutorials while having prior knowledge of Japanese and then acting like I’m not already learning Japanese outside (I know that people like me are being hated, but still, it's an advantage that I'm not willing to let go. And even if I don't take it, it doesn't mean that there won't be others who are like that too. The world is unfair that we all already know. We just have to take it in our own stride and deal with it). Of course for the sake of my participation marks, I can’t act like I don’t know. In fact, I’m planning to use this module to pull up my overall CAP for this semester. Not only do I not have to work hard, I can breeze through it as well. That’s what they call killing two birds with one stone, yea? Now whether I can actually successfully bid for it or not, that’s another question. But from what I’ve checked up on, the average bidding points for last year’s semester for this module shouldn’t pose much of a problem. Oh well, if I don’t get it then I can very well go for another module.

And maybe I can go take up drum lessons again since it’ll seem like there’ll be more time as compared to before. This time round I’m aiming for a minimum CAP so I won’t be expecting myself to slack around already. I’m going to try hard to focus on school in order to compensate for my far less than satisfactory CAP for the last semester. And since I’ve also realised where I went wrong in the last semester, I do hope that I won’t repeat the same mistakes again.

The person who slept on her desk for a while whenever she got tired before waking up again to mug for her A levels. I wonder if that someone still exists inside me. Come to think of it. That period of studying for my As was more intense than any other periods I’ve had in my life, even for this first semester in aki. That time I was really focused on just one thing. I only wanted to achieve one goal and that was good results for the As because there could be no room for regrets once you’ve taken it. It seems that that self of mine hasn’t yet reappeared since then.

And when I think back further, I realised that the only motivation keeping me going and focused on my goal during that time was this one simple fact that I kept reminding myself of. That this is the one and only time I’ll be studying for my As (of course I can study for it again should I fail and get retained, but wth who would ever want to go down that path) and so I’d better cherish every moment of my time and mug until I can’t mug anymore, since it’ll be the last time I’ll be seeing those disgusting notes anyway. And I don’t know why but perhaps as a subconscious reinforcement act of my determination, I only listened to one single song throughout that period. I’ve set it on repeat mode on my mp3 player and everywhere I went that song kept playing in my head. Perhaps it’s not so much the song’s tune or lyrics itself, but rather the amount of focus I actually had last time. That time was also the time my first ever white hair appeared. And I remembered feeling surprised in a pleasant way since it’s an indication of the amount of work I’ve put in. I know I’m sounding rather melodramatic here, but in all my life (though it’s not very old), perhaps that was the only one time when I was focused on getting something which I so desired and craved after, so much so that it was the only thing that occupied my mind.

Come to think of it, I was too preoccupied with a lot of things for my first semester spent in uni. Perhaps an excuse could be that everything was so new to me I felt as though I was wading around in murky water in pitch darkness. But then if God was there, at least there would be a guiding light for me. Sadly, I don’t think I’ve ever let him in for almost a year already. Perhaps that’s where I went wrong. Without my previous belief in something, I’ve gone wayward and off track the path I’m supposed to faithfully stay and travel on. Oh well. そろそろかえろうか。

If time allows me to, I’ll go sign up for drum lessons again. It’ll be great if that can really happen.

許せサスケ これで最後だ。

Yuruse sasuke korede saigo da.

Forgive me sasuke, this is the last time.

Episode 141 of Naruto Shippuden. Despite the fact that I watched it quite some time ago, Itachi’s voice still resonates within whenever I let myself be reminded of it.

I suppose this will go down as one of anime’s most classic and memorable scenes.

Recently, I was plagued with a dilemma. Well maybe not that serious to such an extent, just that it took up some of my time while I mulled over it. Since I deactivated my facebook account, I’ve realised that it has gotten me some good natured promptings to ask me to get/reactivate my account. And perhaps some are curious enough to ask why on earth don’t I have a fb account since it is like something essential which every person living in the 21^st century should have right now. If you use the pc and have some friends then you’ll naturally have a fb account, that’s the commonality of it. And having a fb account has its conveniences and uses as well. You can keep track of your friends’ activities, see what they have been up to recently, or you can go be a busybody and look at other people’s profiles as well as their photos even if you don’t know them personally. You can upload your photos, whether they are taken in groups along with others or just your beautiful self alone in the entire magnificence a digital photo can offer. You can add loads of friends by checking who are the friends of your friends to see whether you both have some mutual friends, or you can just go add all the friends of your friends so you can multiply your friend count overnight to a thousand. You can also play the popular games which are in the trend right now since everyone seems to be playing it, and you can try to beat your friends’ high scores so you can boast to them, whether subtlety (since everyone else can see your high score) or directly (when you see them next time face to face). See, even for a non-active fb user like me, I know about the various useful features fb has to offer. And I actually went to reactivate my account for a little while. My original motive is to go see this set of photos taken this year during an outing with some friends. In the end I got tired of searching for it (since there’s no specific album which I can just go into) and gave up. But not before coming across some things which really made me go wth? in my head.

I have no idea who are some of the people who added me on fb. Absolutely no idea at all. I don’t know a certain eunice,a certain jane, a certain gino (WTF?!), and certainly not a certain illusion (again, WTF?!). Of course, these people added me not because they know me (since I don’t know them at all, even after going to look at their profile pictures). Nor is it because I’m a famous superstar (obviously, do I even have to say it out?), but because they just want to add to their friend counts. Even the stupidest person ever would be able to guess that. This is one of the reasons why I just went huh? in my head when I saw these unfamiliar names in my ‘friends’ list. Needless to say, I find it rather irritating, to put it mildly. Or if I really want to cut the pretenses, I find it gross and disgusting (I know these two words mean the same thing, it’s just for added effect). It’s gross because it seems like we’re still in the friendster era when everyone just added everyone because they want to have more online ‘friends’. And I think it’s rather immature as well since if it’s me, I wouldn’t even bother seeing which other friends my friends have, since there is no point to it except soothing the part of me which wants to be kpo? Has the value of facebook been cheapened to such an extent where your friend count matters so much so that you have to add total strangers to your friends list? Perhaps I’m more of a private person, I don’t view that many ‘friends’ as real friends. And on fb, it’s impossible to just have your close friends on your friends list since nobody does that at all and you’ll just be viewed as a miserable freak who has so few friends when others have like 400+++ ‘friends’ already. Seriously, all these public image issues, online virtual identity issuess, I don’t get it at all! もうわけわかんないよ。。。! And I don’t think I’ll ever want to become like that too. Worrying about how many ‘friends’ do I have on fb, whether my photos are ‘glam’ enough, whether I should do something about my dating life when everyone is starting to change their statuses to ‘in a relationship’ from ‘single’. This and that, I’ve never worried about them, and nor do I want to start now. It’s unnecessary, lame, stupid and boring. くだらないものだ！ (just overlook these Japanese words, I just find it easier to express certain feelings when I’m ranting to myself)

And now I don’t know if I’m looking too deep into this entire affair. I don’t know if I’ve become nit-picking. I don’t know if I’m turning a very small deal into some kind of ultra huge deal. I don’t know why is it that I can’t just take it in my stride and just own a fb account like everyone else. Perhaps I don’t want to give myself in to the absurdity of it all, or perhaps I want to be different from all the fb accounts owning people around me. I don’t really want to go on analysing about this. And I’m sure I’ve already come across as some boliao person who has nothing to do and so is just spouting nonsense. Though to me, these nonsense are really my heartfelt words.

Speaking of things to do, I’ve decided to go get a swaveboard since I saw some kids playing it in the neighbourhood some time ago. It seems real fun and I want to try tasting the satisfaction of conquering it since it seems like it takes some time to get used to it.

So long!

Got my results from jcs this week and truth be told, was rather disappointed because I had thought that I would do better than a mere 301 out of 350. Just two marks fewer and I wouldn’t have hit the 300 mark. Only satisfied component is listening (full marks), since it’s really easy. But then I thought that the kanji and dictation component were really easy too and that I would get full marks for them as well but turns out that I made some careless mistakes. Which shouldn’t have happened since I made sure I double checked my answers. But oh well.

I hope the second week of january doesn't come too quickly. =(

Finally bought my electronic drum set! As well as the headphones to go with it. Budget was $1500 (anything above that is a no-no) for the drums but in the end bought the cheapest one available which is $980 (brand is Medelli). stool was free but have to pay $18 for the music stand after the 10% discount, lol. Headphones were from this brand called Shure, bought it at sim lim, didn’t hear of the brand before but apparently they specialise in microphones if I wasn’t wrong. Liked the way it fits nicely just around my ear. And the price was pretty cheap too for a good pair of headphones. $99 but the uncle could only give me $90. In the end said a whole lot of nonsense to me about how reasonable his price is. Oh well, typical uncle selling electronic products.

Did all the set up myself. Granted, it was really easy since there's the manual. But still this is the satisfaction you get when you put together something technical.

Really having fun now with my drums. Haven’t played it for around 3 years and yet I still remember how to play it. Feel so proud of myself, haha. Planning to go buy this book with scores of individual drum performances. Of course I just want to play them for fun. Won’t actually think that I can play them professionally (-___-)'' but at least I think I’m not that bad. Haha.

The girl sitting in a corner

It’s another brand new day,

People step out of their houses with a skip.

Yet it’s not all that gay,

For the girl without that much of a grip.

She walked along the same old path,

To the school where all the smart kids went.

But unlike them she wasn’t able to laugh,

For she really was spent.

Reaching the common workspace,

She sat down and looked around.

A common sight at that place

Were the talents abound.

She quietly averted her eyes,

While activities surrounding her went by.

Within herself she silently cried,

Asking herself oh why oh why.

She gazed at her completed works atop her desk,

And shot a furtive glance at the works beside.

She immediately finds her stuff ‘grotesque’,

While imagining the other superior looks of snide.

She began her daily ritual,

Of hating and looking down upon herself.

It had all become so habitual,

The self-contempt just crept in with stealth.

Too far into her self-hatred,

The girl failed to notice the voices.

Which on her designs they commented,

Though not spectacular hers were interesting choices.

Too far into her self-belittlement

The girl failed to hear the jokes among her peers.

That sometimes they also felt uncertain,

About various things like their academics and careers.

Sometimes it really doesn’t help,

When a person decides to look down upon himself.

Though it’s hard not to wallow in the self-contempt held,

It’s even harder to view ourselves with prideful wealth.

But it’s a long painful way to go,

If we were to hold such feelings of negativity always.

So perhaps it’s time to let ourselves shine aglow,

And let our long-kept inhibitions go stray.


This was inspired by one of my friends' blog posts about how lousy she feels. And I must admit that for countless number of times, I've felt really lousy about myself too. Again, I know that I'm not a pro writer or even anything close to that. The quality of this is really not as good as I would like it to be. But oh well I only wrote the last two stanzas after like a week, the rest was written when I was dead tired after mugging for my last paper in the middle of the night (or should I say early morning). And it actually takes me a certain amount of thick skin to post such 'poems' since they are at best a half-assed effort to write something good. But at least my feelings are in there and that's most important I guess.

You look at things from the outside,

Without thinking to put yourself in the inside.

You let your mind run freely,

Without occurring to you that sometimes there are limits.

You latch on to your biasness,

Without stopping to give your misconceptions some freedom.

You believe what you want to believe,

Without allowing yourself to give in to ‘falsities’.

You become enclosed in your own little world,

Without giving the rest of the world a chance.

You die a lonely death,

Without letting your heart experience life unbounded.

Was supposedly practicing various questions for my jlpt 3 this sunday but then it got really late and my mind wandered and I thought of one ugly side of human nature and decided to write something short about it. So yea.

Caught two movies, one before my last paper (Mulan) and one right after my last paper (2012). Was starved from movies since school opened and didn’t catch a single movie since then. Missed quite a number of good ones which I really regret. Perhaps I shall go rent some dvds…

I must say that all women must go give Mulan a shot since I think the screenplay and stuff is specially written for them. Zhaowei makes a convincing Mulan and I found myself applauding her acting skills while watching it. Though her voice remained feminine throughout the movie despite her supposedly being a male, she could pass for a real courageous general. The movie didn’t have as much action scenes and strategic brainworks as in red cliff 2 since it focused more on the emotional aspects. They even added the male lead just to add some romance into it, talk about deliberate. But overall the movie made me think about how noble Mulan was, even more so towards the end when she denied herself her rightful happiness for the sake of the entire country (though I highly doubt the real historical Mulan’s story was so dramatised) And the entire idea of wartime in ancient China really appeals to me since I’m intrigued by the costumes and the language they use.

Compared to Hollywood movies, I think I prefer those Chinese ones better. Those so-called must watch movie blockbusters of the year, most of their ‘touching’ scenes become more or less the same. Mostly it includes some scenes of loved ones parting, mostly through potential death or something. Even if the plots are different, I get the feeling that ‘sadness’ from the eyes of an American only revolves around the same realm, death. While from Chinese movies, ‘sadness’ doesn’t only include the possibility of death, there can be many kinds of ‘sadness’ as well which doesn’t have to include deaths of loved ones. Of course this is not to say that Chinese movies don’t touch on deaths at all. But that’s just me, talking from a very slighted point of view which only includes a couple of the main blockbusters through the years.

Also, Chinese movies are more subtle in their depictions of the characters’ emotions. Because the Chinese or perhaps Asians in general are more withdrawn towards expressing their love for their loved ones, their behaviour, the things they say, all contribute to a subtle display of their outward emotions. And one must be perceptive enough to catch these nuances. I enjoyed Mulan because of this. It’s a nice change from having obvious exchanges between the characters to more indirect interactions. Sometimes it's more interesting when you have to observe the characters movements and stuff to have an idea of what they're feeling, instead of just outright saying it out.

Felt really excited in 2012 though, leaving the rather cliched and predictable dialogues and scenes out, it sure was interesting to see the hypothetical situation of the earth's end unfold. The scene early in the movie where the half-broken car was racing through the streets avoiding the cracking earth behind it and the falling debris and fire coming towards it, that I liked a lot. I've always liked scenes where cars have to navigate through dangerous obstacles because you'll feel as though you're in the car yourself (camera perspective) and it's thrilling. And the ending theme to the movie was nice.

And I won’t catch the twilight movie this time because of some very simple reasons. First, if I want to catch some vampire story then there’s the books by Anne Rice. The vampire depicted in there are a lot more real and frightening than those pseudo vampires in Twilight who don’t even exhibit the ‘true’ characteristics of vampires. For example, vampires are not supposed to see their reflections in mirrors and yet in Twilight they can? Well one can say that it doesn’t mean that the vampires in the story have to be the standard centuries-old vampires we’ve known all along. They can be different, after all in novels new creations can be made and characteristics be tweaked according to the author’s likings. But the point I'm trying to make is just that the so-called vampire element in the story is just half-way there, like a half-transformed werewolf who's in pain because it's stuck in limbo.

And second, if I want to go for some forbidden love, there’s some other more realistic ones like the themes of forbidden same gender love, forbidden sibling love etc. Why must it be a love between a vampire and a human? And what’s the point when the entire ‘forbidden’ theme is nullified when the human gets ‘changed’ into a vampire? But I suppose the fun lies in watching the characters suffer in their internal struggles and dilemmas. Still, the scenes where the vampire was supposed to struggle against himself to prevent himself from biting, kissing whatever the human, I didn’t enjoy them. In fact I think he was rather comical... and perhaps a lil bit ridiculous? What’s the big deal when the human seems willing enough? Morality issues? Afraid to hurt the human? Well personally I just wasn’t as intrigued by the themes as much as others do.

Thirdly, if I want to go for some sweet saccharine romantic love between a handsome guy and a beautiful lady then why can’t I go for some sappy romantic comedies which have some slapstick humour to balance out the sappy parts? I don’t see the point in watching twilight when in the first place, I wasn’t really interested in the story and to make it worse, it’s so serious and depressing any goofy, in-your-face, can’t-ignore-it, dim-witted humour is better than this.

Perhaps all these reasons can be summarised into just one. I just naturally don’t like something if everyone around me is crazy over it. Twilight here and twilight there. While both children and adults, male and female enjoy Harry Potter, the fan base gets narrowed when it comes to Twilight’s. And since most of its fans are young females who can’t get enough of the dashing male lead, you can imagine the screams and shrieks they make when they think about him. That’s another thing I can’t stand.

I don’t know why but whenever I fall sick, it’ll either be a cold (not flu, as most people mistakenly refer it to) or vomiting. And I would rather let myself catch a heavy cold than to keep experiencing the same nauseous feeling. The day before yesterday I finally allowed myself to vomit after having such a nauseous feeling for at least a few days before that. And I realised that I have to go see the doctor no matter what since it was apparent after a few days that I’m not going to get any better. Each time I went to bed early hoping that the next day I wake up I would feel fresh and energetic. But then each passing day grew to be a disappointment until I finally let myself vomit. Which ended up in me puking out all the food which I ate for the entire day. Not a good experience, that’s why I had tried in vain to force it all in. And the doctor said that I have got gastric inflammation and asked me what did I eat. Well at first I thought that that’s a rather difficult question to answer since I don’t remember eating any unhygienic or exotic food. But then I realise that the only food which I didn’t eat usually I ate it on Thursday and that’s freaking Subway. I don’t really like subway usually because it’s too healthy for a junk food kind of person like me. And when I finally relented and ate subway for dunno what reason since I usually dislike it, I got this illness because of it. How fortunate.

And the worse part after having to endure the unbearable nauseous feeling day after day is the taking of the medicine. I have no idea why on earth must they manufacture pills which are as big as a piece of hard candy. Just that the taste is anything but that. And yes, even at this age I can’t swallow large pills. I know I should be embarrassed but I don’t and I can’t even pretend that I’m ashamed. And so I have to break them up into smaller pieces to take them separately and as for those pills with the powder inside I mix the powder up with water so there’s no need for swallowing. Aren’t I brilliant? But then it’s damn bitter so I have to drink lots of water or eat something after that. Much more inconvenient as compared to if I just swallow them and get it done and over with. But then the problem is, I can’t swallow large pills. There must be some kind of psychological problem with me regarding that. And no, I’m not willing to even try and overcome it. As long as I take my meds who cares how I take them.

And I just realised that I’ve failed to take my antibiotics regularly. I asked some people on the net before whether it’s alright for us to not finish our antibiotics and apparently it’s not alright. But it’s weird because I didn’t finish it and yet I definitely feel very fine and not sick at all. So I guess it should be alright. But then I remember that since young I would get such similar illnesses associated with the taking in some unhygienic food. (Why do I have such an affinity with eating the wrong food?) Its regularity is second only to colds. So I suppose the antibiotics help in the long term? Oh I don’t know and how I wish I can find out more about this when I’m really free and really bored. Ok, maybe I don’t really want to find that out otherwise I would be doing my research now, lol.

Physics. I never knew that you would come back and haunt me after almost three years? To think I have to tackle you again. Please be merciful to me. Heh, like real. As though there is such a thing called sympathy in the academic world. If you suck at something, you’d better get down to it otherwise you can’t really blame anyone except for yourself. I just hope that I’ll pass the module so I don’t have to retake it. Oh the torture.

Just let me pass, dammit!

Ok, enough of my rantings. Back to more mugging.

I still have some work left but I’m prepared to chiong them all out after this post. Just really felt like writing something to reflect on what I’ve been doing all this while. Heard from ah pok that at least five more ppl have applied to be transferred over to FASS and seriously this split second of thought came over me. What if I were to do the same too? Then again, I probably weren’t having such a tough time as those ppl who dropped out. I’m beginning to get use to this course and what it requires of one.

A friend asked if I was exaggerating about the amount of sleep we can get. Why the hell would I even want to exaggerate about this sort of thing? (Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t pissed at all, do I look as though I get pissed that easily?!) How I wish I was really exaggerating though. But the fact remains that more time is needed if you want to present something decent, something you’d feel proud of. For me, even if it takes a bit longer for me compared to others, I would still take the extra time to do it right, by my own standards. At the end of it all, I might not even go on to the fifth masters year. Heck I might not even survive the later years (Don’t really think so right now at this point of time, but no one can really say that for sure) This field might not even be what I’ll be in, in the future. But even so, it’s still important to own up to one’s conscience. Since I’m in this course, of course I would like to do decently in it. I wouldn’t ask to be the best because that’s near impossible; there just are too many talented people around. But then I wouldn’t want to be at the bottom either. And it’s not about saving face either. Seriously, I don’t think anyone would even care if your work is like trash because at the end of the day, all everyone cares about first is their own work, themselves, their own situations. Of course I’m not saying that everyone is frigging selfish, just that what one does to oneself is what one deserves, and no one will be able to make the situation better, even if others do care.

Two months have passed since I’ve entered this new stage of my life. Sure university life here is nothing compared to that in the states (was suddenly reminded of this episode of gossip girls in which the college undergrads were all moving their luggage and stuff out from their cars, with their parents helping them. That scene was really cool in that going to college means something akin to independence, unlike here. Most people here just feel a transition in their intellectual levels when they enter uni, not really in their lifestyles. I suppose you can’t see this sort of dynamism in this country. I mean even if you stay in the hostel away from your family home you’re still pretty much dependent on your parents. Well unless you’re born with a silver spoon already stuck in your mouth and then using these natural endowments you do a little investment here and there and become self-supportive. But I dun suppose there r many ppl who are like that. So yea) but then I still feel pretty much glad that I’m where I am now. Yes, glad despite the amount of sleep I have to lose over. Glad despite the amount of $$$ I’ve to spend for this course.

I’ve dropped german lpp already. I refuse to say self-deprecating things like I’m so stupid and incapable and since I’m so lousy I can’t handle my workloads and so have to drop it. Well in a way it’s true since the amount of workloads I have altogether is part of the reason I’ve dropped german lpp. But still, I would love to see someone be in aki, manage all the module assignments in it using their utmost effort, and take additional language classes outside, and learn another language from school too. Honestly, I would love to see if someone could do that. Well, I admit, I can’t do it, take so many things at one time that is. Well, actually I could force myself to do it, but then that would cost me even fewer moments of precious sleep and it would further take lots of interest in the german language for me to continue going for three classes (2 lectures 1 tutorial) a week where I’m one of the slowest tortoises crawling around and struggling madly just to flip themselves over instead of lying on their shells. Since I’ve already not have that much interest in learning it already, that really is the last deciding factor for me to drop it. I do not wish to walk into the class each time and think, oh drats I didn’t study german again, oh drats I’m gonna lag behind so bad again. Seriously, in all my life I’ve not gotten used to lagging behind that bad in a class (yes the situation was really that bad for me in german), except for math (jc) and the sciences (sec school), definitely not for languages. And also, I know that it’s not that I don’t have the talent or capacity to learn it, it’s due to a very simple reason and that’s time and the period of time, maybe. After all, I’m still learning Japanese and my level isn’t that good enough for me to focus more on another language and concentrate less on it. Furthermore bloody aki coursework really takes lots of mental toll on you, as well as physical toll I suppose. So I would like to say that should circumstances have been different, there would be a higher chance of me continuing german. I suppose if I was in fass, I could have continued. But unfortunately I wasn’t.

 
And no I am definitely not regretting choosing aki. I relish in the mental processes my brain has to go through for every studio work. I relish in the unconventionality of this course, in which the students are all ATAS (slang for high class, a bit egoistical I know but it’s farny) and they all crack jokes about the hours one slept the night/early morning before. Fyi, I’ve heard a someone say she slept for only half an hour. I relish in the fact that finally for once I’m not only using books to study, or taking down notes feverishly, or reading notes for at least a few times to take in the points etc. but then whenever I think about writing essays, I’ll feel a pang of wistfulness. Those days when I was still writing essays, rushing them out during exams till my hand hurts, actually sitting at a table with notes in front of me and mugging, I really miss it. In short, I miss those days when there’s less work to do, when all the work we have to do is just to read and write. Definitely not like now when things are quite different, if not completely. So it came as no surprise that I enjoyed writing the 1000 words essay we’ve to do for 2 designers (I did 2 architects to build up on my case studies and I wrote 1700 words in the end, and I couldn’t care less to reduce the words since aki is all about flexibility right? lol) and I think I’m going to enjoy doing my research for this other 1500 essay on kisho kurokawa. Yes I chose this guy because he’s Japanese, lol. Talk about biasness.

I actually wanted to write more, since it’s been such a long time since I last wrote something for myself. But then right now time is precious to me and I can’t really afford to throw it away like that. So yea. Gonna sleep for a short while now.

I don't think I've blogged for quite some time. The only reason I can give is that my mental capabilities are so drained by schoolwork, and there are so many things for me to say, that every time I tried to write something about my life, I couldn't. Or it's just because there's really nothing going on in my life which is interesting enough. I don't think anyone would want to hear about aki course's related stuff. Being busy with it all week days and nights, if that's the only thing I could say to ppl when I see them, that'll be an overkill already. And this is only the first two months. If I've already become someone who coops herself either in the studio or in her room doing her own stuff, I might as well be staying in school all the time in future years.

We just completed our first design module project which is a series of stages where we have to do different things for each stage. I didn't sleep for a consecutive 3 days before critique except for 1 hr in the first night, 45 mins the next and half an hr the last night. During those times I think if I allowed myself, I could sleep standing up and end up collapsing and sleeping on the floor instead. One thing I noticed about myself is that I can fall into deep restful sleep within 10 seconds anywhere sitting down like on the train and bus, if I could find a seat. And that my head always lolls to the right when I'm asleep for some unknown reason. But its some facts which I'd rather not find out. So now I value my sleep and slacking time A LOT. Better do it when I have the chance now that it's my 1 week semester break. But since I've got german, japanese, and this dreadful module called structural systems which is basically math and physics, plus various stuff, it's not really like a complete break. I wonder if such a thing exist in aki. Oh god if we still have work to do during our december break I dunno what I'll do, lol.

And around 20 ppl have dropped out of aki already. Wonder if there are going to be a lot more as the years go by. Hopefully I'm not one of them cos I'll really like to persevere till at least the end of 4 years. Because though I'm a coward, I wouldn't want to actually be labeled as one, someone who dropped out halfway. That would really be one of the biggest regrets I'll have in my life, other than me not being able to be a racecar driver. Haha, just kidding.

I think I'm really getting better in my japanese. Just wrote my second compo for jap language class and it seemed easy to me. (I'm just expressing my feeling, not trying to boast, lol) Of course it's not without the help of my e-dictionary which cost me, or rather my parents, 698 bucks. I'm really glad that I own such a thing, even though it might seem to be a rather unnecessary and overpriced buy, cos of the fact that it helped me out A LOT when it comes to learning japanese. And now with german it's been put into more good use than before. I thank god every time I use it cos it's just so damn useful and convenient. The internet from the com doesn't even measure half to it since the e-dict contains lots of translations of 13 languages and there's the voiceover to help you with your pronunciation, as well as the different forms of a japanese word. Think the money is really worth it. I really hope to improve my japanese, both spoken and written forms. Plan to go all the way to JLPT 1 but that's hoping that I'll be able to do it. Shall see whether I pass JLPT 3 or not this year. Haha.

And I dunno why on earth am I taking german when I do not have that intrinsic interest in it like I do for the jap language. The only reason I'm taking it is so cos I can go to switzerland in my 3^rd year and in order to do that I must keep my average grade at C or above. It won't be difficult as long as I put in the time and effort. Hope that I'll be able to invest that bit then.

Well, if I say I don't really have THAT much interest in learning german as compared to japanese, then when it comes to this module called structural systems, I can safely say that I don't even have that ONE DROP of interest in it. I remember how I used to skip a few math lessons last time when I was in JC just because I really dread the lessons because 1) I dunno what's going on, 2) I have no interest in math AT ALL so what's the point of going besides the fact that I actually have to force myself to go since if I did, then I would at least learn something, which should be a much needed blessing as seeing how I didn't even touch my math stuff. I only changed my GC batts long after most ppl changed theirs, which is saying a lot, lol. And now this module is around the same, except that it actually has physics elements involved. But I guess it's still more math than physics since it's a lot of numbers. I wouldn't mind if it's more of words like the theorectical part of physics. But don't think that'll be the case since it's aki and not some science course. Logical for them to focus more on more useful and practical (?) knowledge?


I need to sleep now. Goodnight.