Suddenly I was left feeling rather bewildered. Especially with all the research that I’ve to do regarding which module to choose for the upcoming new semester, since we have to choose at least one gem, one ss or one breadth module to hit the min requirement for this semester. Sounds very boring and difficult to figure out in the beginning but after a while I realised that it’s actually quite easy once you’ve gotten the hang of it.

Anyway, I’ve decided to choose Japanese 1, for obvious reasons. And since I don’t think anyone from my school except my old friend ah pok and someone else reads my blog, I shall boldly confess that I’m going to bid for that module precisely because I already know some Japanese. Yes, call me a cheater or whatever for intending to blend into the lecture and tutorials while having prior knowledge of Japanese and then acting like I’m not already learning Japanese outside (I know that people like me are being hated, but still, it's an advantage that I'm not willing to let go. And even if I don't take it, it doesn't mean that there won't be others who are like that too. The world is unfair that we all already know. We just have to take it in our own stride and deal with it). Of course for the sake of my participation marks, I can’t act like I don’t know. In fact, I’m planning to use this module to pull up my overall CAP for this semester. Not only do I not have to work hard, I can breeze through it as well. That’s what they call killing two birds with one stone, yea? Now whether I can actually successfully bid for it or not, that’s another question. But from what I’ve checked up on, the average bidding points for last year’s semester for this module shouldn’t pose much of a problem. Oh well, if I don’t get it then I can very well go for another module.

And maybe I can go take up drum lessons again since it’ll seem like there’ll be more time as compared to before. This time round I’m aiming for a minimum CAP so I won’t be expecting myself to slack around already. I’m going to try hard to focus on school in order to compensate for my far less than satisfactory CAP for the last semester. And since I’ve also realised where I went wrong in the last semester, I do hope that I won’t repeat the same mistakes again.

The person who slept on her desk for a while whenever she got tired before waking up again to mug for her A levels. I wonder if that someone still exists inside me. Come to think of it. That period of studying for my As was more intense than any other periods I’ve had in my life, even for this first semester in aki. That time I was really focused on just one thing. I only wanted to achieve one goal and that was good results for the As because there could be no room for regrets once you’ve taken it. It seems that that self of mine hasn’t yet reappeared since then.

And when I think back further, I realised that the only motivation keeping me going and focused on my goal during that time was this one simple fact that I kept reminding myself of. That this is the one and only time I’ll be studying for my As (of course I can study for it again should I fail and get retained, but wth who would ever want to go down that path) and so I’d better cherish every moment of my time and mug until I can’t mug anymore, since it’ll be the last time I’ll be seeing those disgusting notes anyway. And I don’t know why but perhaps as a subconscious reinforcement act of my determination, I only listened to one single song throughout that period. I’ve set it on repeat mode on my mp3 player and everywhere I went that song kept playing in my head. Perhaps it’s not so much the song’s tune or lyrics itself, but rather the amount of focus I actually had last time. That time was also the time my first ever white hair appeared. And I remembered feeling surprised in a pleasant way since it’s an indication of the amount of work I’ve put in. I know I’m sounding rather melodramatic here, but in all my life (though it’s not very old), perhaps that was the only one time when I was focused on getting something which I so desired and craved after, so much so that it was the only thing that occupied my mind.

Come to think of it, I was too preoccupied with a lot of things for my first semester spent in uni. Perhaps an excuse could be that everything was so new to me I felt as though I was wading around in murky water in pitch darkness. But then if God was there, at least there would be a guiding light for me. Sadly, I don’t think I’ve ever let him in for almost a year already. Perhaps that’s where I went wrong. Without my previous belief in something, I’ve gone wayward and off track the path I’m supposed to faithfully stay and travel on. Oh well. そろそろかえろうか。

If time allows me to, I’ll go sign up for drum lessons again. It’ll be great if that can really happen.